On an Internet discussion forum I’d read about the television series Torchwood and the gay relationship within it. The most recent story being broadcast in five episodes with the name Children of the Earth.

I’m going to try not to give too much away of the “story” of Children of the Earth because I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t seen it, however if you really want to watch it then don’t read on just in case. You’ll also spare yourself a dose of me sneering at it.

I did not like Children of the Earth, however there were a few very good things in it and I will mention them first.

• I liked very much the nucleus of the story.
• The children stopping and speaking in unison was extremely good, this was such a clever thing visually and achieved without a lot of special effects and suchlike.
• The aliens are visually very concealed throughout the series, that was good, as soon as you see the monster or whatever in television then usually it is diffused.
• The aliens’ basic use of English in their translation system was well used to increase their menace.
• I liked the Whitehall politics.
• The depiction of the Cardiff housing estate was warm, human and enjoyable to watch.
• There was one good character, Mr Dekker played by Ian Gelder. He was the government expert on aliens. He was such a scumbag.

It was difficult to know if it was intended for children or adults. The vast majority of the content was too juvenile for an adult audience, but it included some scenes and ideas which would have been really inappropriate for children.

If it had been intended for children then it was the worst kind of children’s drama. The worst kind of children’s drama being one that thinks that children will just sit through any plot absurdity as long as there is some silly gadget or special effect coming soon. What a load of cobblers!

Captain Jack Harkness, played by John Barrowman, lives forever regenerating instead of dying after being shot or in a car accident or whatever. He recovers and heals up at an astonishing rate. What rubbish! How, for example, does his hair “know” to be the length it is? If he goes to the barber and gets his hair cut, surely it would immediately grow back? He should have hair down to his knees and a long beard.

In fact for me, everything to do with that Torchwood bunch was pretty dreadful really. The only thing I liked about them was that there was a gay relationship within it, but completely disassociated from the main story. They would not have bothered with a pointless straight relationship like that because it would not have had any story value. I watched the programme with an interest in this gay affair but I was bored by it. How great it would have been if it played a meaningful part in the story.

It was difficult to see, though, how anything could have played a part in that story. After all the solution to the problem presented by the aliens is in fact just some technical mumbo jumbo which was completely unconvincing. The “plot” was full of ridiculous holes and this just suggests to me that the programme’s writer has the lowest opinion of the viewers.

I know I could be accused of lacking the ability to suspend disbelief, but while characters with superman characteristics or silly gadgets are boring and signalling to me that this is not my kind of drama, what I really can’t stand at all is problems with the story itself.

The Permanent Secretary to the Foreign Office, John Frobisher is requested by the Prime Minister to perform a special event for the press with the objective of reassuring the general public. However this would not have been appropriate for a civil servant like John Frobisher, an elected politician would be necessary for this. Even if it had been possible with a civil servant it could not be successful because by and large the general public do not know the civil servants who work with the government, so if John Frobisher had appeared on their screens they wouldn’t have been reassured.

I was offended by the use of really extreme emotional situations which were so obviously contrived just to maintain the viewer’s interest in some way, maybe to shock them or perhaps try to cause them some anxiety. One parent shoots their partner and children, then commits suicide. All this to escape their fate, but if that parent had simply taken spouse and children on holiday for a couple of days then they would have evaded their fate just as easily. At one point a character sacrifices their own grand-child to save (some of) the human race. But this situation had been created out of nothing. Writing a drama in which parents kill their own children requires a great deal of consideration. You don’t just shove something like that in the story. What obnoxious drivel.

Children of the Earth was very ghoulish, too much so, I think, for the real children of the earth. If their parents/guardians prevented them from watching it they will have missed nothing.